Oh hey there-I remember you, I just don't recognize you through that layer of fat, are you still in there?  Are you alive, are you choking on that fat, how do those mounds and mounds of fat feel, are they weighing you down, are they stopping you from certain things, how does your boyfriend feel about it, are you lonesome yet with only the fat to listen to you, when are you coming back to me? Now?  Well, ok then, let's get back to it, we've done this before, remember?  Just don't touch that fucking food.  Ever.  I will let you know when you can. 

So, I was eating a few peanut M&Ms yesterday and here is what the comment to me was-stop eating M&Ms, you think your fat but then you eat junk so just stop eating junk.  Um nice asshole.  I had 2 light pink, 2 white, 2 red and 2 dark pink.  8 M&Ms and you say that.  Ggrr.  Plus, I am fat.  Not think it, know it. 

OK, Thurs food:
Breakfast: coffee
Lunch: turkey and provolone sandwich, blackberries, vitamin
Snack: M&Ms
Dinner: mashed potatoes, sliced beef, veggies, bread pudding, iced tea
Thurs Exercise: 35min gym, 15min taebo

Sisters bday party was last night and they forgot to tell me until the last second.  Jerks.  Moms bday is coming up.  I am going to plan that and not frickin tell anyone. 
I am feeling tired today. I work all weekend and its going to be freezing.  Like freezing, freezing.  Ugh. 
Have a great weekend. 

Ok, so I was sick Sun-Tues so I am not going to write down everything that I ate because there wasn't much. 
Weds Food:
Breakfast-coffee
Lunch-chicken and wild rice soup, turkey and provolone sandwich
Dinner-Rosemary and lemon chicken and potatoe wedges,
Weds Exercise: 35min gym
Things are horrible with my fam again.  Just one stress after another and seriously, stress gives you belly fat, ruins any chance of sleeping (therefore weight loss is a dream except you can't dream because you can't sleep), I am just sick with stress.  Ugh. 
I have some things that I need to get done in order to move.  I need to sit down and do some planning.  Ggrr.  Not my strong point but ah well.  Thats what moms are for. 
Work.  Ugh.  Do I need to say anything?  It sucks major bunghole.  
I haven't slept in my bed in a couple of weeks.  I might try it tonight.  No coffee after 10am no matter how tired I am.  Maybe I can force myself to pass the fuck out. 

Thurs Food:
Breakfast- 1/2yogurt and 1/2apple
Lunch-Rice and Chicken
Dinner-Rice, Chicken and Veggies
Thurs Exercise: gym 35min and 20min walk
I bought the Taebo Elite set last night.  No more fucking around.  Time to get my fat fucking ass in gear. 

OK.  I think I need to list all of my food and exercise so I can figure out where I am going wrong.  I started taking vitamins again because I am wondering if thats been part of the problem.  And I am going to work on being happy to try to get this depression to go away before I try the drug approach.  Ugh.  We'll see what happens.

Weds Food:
Breakfast-yogurt (60 cals)
Lunch-egg bake (egg, cheese, onion, hash brown potatoes, ham) 3x3 square piece. No clue on cals
Dinner-rice, chicken, veggies No clue on cals
Weds Exercise: 40min gym

Alright.  Not great.  But not awful.  I went through and cleaned out the cupboards and got rid of EVERYTHING that resembled junk food.  My mom works out of my house during the day.  She will notice.  And not be happy about it.  Ah well. 

Well, have a great day ladies!

luv you

Ok so here goes:  over the last 2.5months I have been severely depressed which at first was a good thing because I lost about 7lbs.  Now, I have put those 7lbs back on plus an additional 12.  Nice.  19 frickin lbs.  In like 2 months.  That is so gross.  My clothes don't fit.  I look like I have an inner tube around my middle.  My thighs!  I don't even want to mention those.  I feel all loose and jiggly.  It is sinking me even more into a depression.  It is a vicious cycle.  The more depressed, the less I work at myself.  I need help to get out of this.  I am sinking. 
Work depresses me.  I want to quit.  Both jobs.  Then I can focus on getting ready to move. 
My family.  Ugh.  Never ending stress there. 

So, you probably guessed my resolutions: be a better person, lose weight, floss at least 3 times a week, drink my water daily, pay off debt, determined to be happy. 

So thats me in a nutshell.  Same as last year, I think.  This is my year.  I can feel it.  HA!

Blah-happy new year.  Same old same old resolutions.  Kick my fat ass in gear. 

Hugs to all and here is wishing you everything you want in 2008. 

Merry Christmas!

I read an article that explained me to a "T" and it made me sad for who I am.  I don't know why I am this way but I have got to stop.  What I do to other people is not fair to them and I deserve the pain that I derive from my evil ways.  The article was about female breadwinners and the men that they are with and how to handle it.  The men that I have been with are not as successful as I.  That does not mean there is something wrong with them or me.  It just means that we had to strike the right balance.  Which we never did and I managed to drive them from me and various ways-ridiculing, chiding, pushing, pressuring, etc.  I wanted them to be someone that they are not for some reason instead of accepting what they had to offer-funloving, playful, goofy, romance, physical contact, etc.  Why would I do this?  Why would I continually seek out men that have these qualities if I was to get upset because they have them?  I am so ridiculous.  I expect the world.  People such as myself (people with food problems) are often times way more driven or strive for "perfection" than the average person so what the hell do we expect?  No one will ever will up to our unrealistic expectations. 

I am deeply saddened by myself and what I have become.

I still cannot seem to shake this funk that I have been in forever.  I am usually pretty good about bouncing back.  I think its work.  I am much happier not here.  LOL My boss is a total ass.  He acts like I am so stupid.  I am not.  He is the idiot.  He can't look at big picture.  SO everything gets done half assed.  Grr. 
I am just about done Christmas shopping.  Then I have to wrap.  Not my strong point.  LOL I like to use bags-they are much easier.  I am feeling (and AM) huge right now.  I tried to out a pair of pants that I don't wear all that often so they are like my size tester pants and I got them on and was going to zip them up (they have a side zip) and I zipped some fat so I said um won't be wearing these....fuck me. I am gross.  Its even grosser because I am short.  Ish.  New diet of all liquids, yogurt and choc covered coffee beans.  Its definitely harder in the winter to get as much exercise as I was but fuck it.  I obviously have no choice. 
Today's Plan: work, tan, workout.  Not exactly all fun but whatever.

Alright, back to work or start work or shoot me...