December 20, 2007
-
I read an article that explained me to a "T" and it made me sad for who I am. I don't know why I am this way but I have got to stop. What I do to other people is not fair to them and I deserve the pain that I derive from my evil ways. The article was about female breadwinners and the men that they are with and how to handle it. The men that I have been with are not as successful as I. That does not mean there is something wrong with them or me. It just means that we had to strike the right balance. Which we never did and I managed to drive them from me and various ways-ridiculing, chiding, pushing, pressuring, etc. I wanted them to be someone that they are not for some reason instead of accepting what they had to offer-funloving, playful, goofy, romance, physical contact, etc. Why would I do this? Why would I continually seek out men that have these qualities if I was to get upset because they have them? I am so ridiculous. I expect the world. People such as myself (people with food problems) are often times way more driven or strive for "perfection" than the average person so what the hell do we expect? No one will ever will up to our unrealistic expectations.
I am deeply saddened by myself and what I have become.
Comments (4)
Wow, we really were thinking about the same stuff simultaneously!
I usually tend to strive for perfection, because I am so scarred that something negative may happen if I don't fight the hardest. My parents were super focused on me getting top grades, being the best athlete, the best musician, etc. Not only were they focussed on the results, but they always pushed me to go to the limits and threatened me with all sorts of things if I did not study through the night, practiced my a** off, etc. For some reason the fear of horrible things happening if I don't fight all the time got stuck. Now, as an adult, I push myself so hard to achieve certain results that I get sick, either mentally or physically.
If I love someone or am close to someone my fears extend to him. I am scarred that if my bf does not work his butt off and strives to be the best he can be (e.g. in his job), that all sorts of negative things will happen to him (e.g. he looses his job and never finds a new one again). I know this sounds ridiculous, but that makes me so worried that I am not sure if I can be with someone who is not super eager to be the best he could be.
My fast started after i preformed.
I would never completely fast before a performance.
OMG, i strive for perfection way to often.
Its insane. And sometimes i feel that if i wasnt like that, i would be able to talk to alot more people. Sometimes im like, you're not good enough, im not talking to you. Its insane.
Stay strong
Hey girl.
I don't think you have "become" anything. Everyone is different and being picky does not make you a bad person.
I've never thought about it perhaps somehow tying in with our eds but maybe that makes sense.
Regardless, never feel bad about having expectations and not finding the right person who fills them. Relationships are so hard and so is compatibility. I think you should be happy that you choose NOT to settle. Guys don't have to be assholes for us to reject them- it just means they are not the right person.
You'll find someone when the time is right.
RYC: don't worry about the Joe thing. We will never be in a relationship again. This is all about having a good time and being "special friends" as he puts it. Yes, it makes things difficult as far as moving on, but he will probable be leaving the state soon so I won't see him as often (right now he's 3.5 hours away). Thanks for the concern though.
Keep that chin up!!
much love,
Karma
I really hope you are in a better state of mind now. I think many people enter into a relationship thinking that the other person will change. We have to accept that we can NOT change anyone. They will only change if and when they truly want to. Talking about these things is the best way to come to a compromise.
Dont beat yourself up, okay!
HUGS & MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!
Comments are closed.