Having a good time with my niece who is here to visit until Sat.  She is a cool kid.  20yrs old so still a kid but kind of an adult.  Other than that...meh.  Things are so-so.  Work is crazy, as usual. 
OMFG-I should have started with this...my dress is see-thru and I didn't notice until I am at work.  I don't have my car (niece has it).  So, I luckily have a long fleece jacket thing that I will put on if I have to leave my office.  I am so embarassed. 
I have no motivation to write today.  Hope everything is well in your world.

And so it begins....

HAPPY NEW YEAR....sorta.  I am going to have the same tired ass resolutions.  *sigh* Will I ever learn?  No?!  Ok.  So, I was telling one of my friends about the beginning of my love/hate relationship with anorexia and it started in Jan 1988.  I was 13yrs old.  My friends and I were in the lunch room at school discussing the Valentine's dance coming up and what we were going to wear (we were dressing alike)-boxer shorts with black biker type shorts under (it was the 80's mind you) and a batman t-shirt.  What stands out the most was looking at my thighs....and being absolutely disgusted and mortified.  I decided right then and there that something had to change.  Boy, did it ever.  I had always had a strange relationship with food as it was (extremely picky) but things got downright ugly between me and food.  To this day-food is winning.  Fucker. 
Anyway, thats part of my sad story....waawaa baby.  So, take a wild guess at what my new years resolution is-yep, lose weight.  Starve myself til I am happy. 

Cheers

I am excited for Christmas even though I am not with my family.  I miss them terribly but such is life.  I sent them a big box of stuff to split up between them.  I hope they like it. 
I am on a no sugar kick.  Or I was.  Until I had a damn candy cane.  Fuck me.  I need to stop this sugar thing before it gets worse.  I have definitely gotten fatter.  A lot.  I mean, all the clothes I bought still fit but my eyes don't deceive me (ha....hello body dysmorphia).   I can see it.  I need to stop eating until Christmas day.  I will eat that day and then stop again until NYE maybe.  Depending on if I am going to have alcohol or not.  I better play it safe and have some food that day but on the other hand-if I don't eat for a week and then eat that will fuck with my stomach.  Fuck it.  I don't care.  I need to lose a few lbs because I feel gross. I was eating once a day but that is not working so well so I will go to none for a bit because that always seems to work.  Fuckin fatass cow.  Ish. 
Let's see....I plan on going to MN for a few days in Jan so I want to lose 10lbs at least by then.  Ugh....I have to work out.  A lot.  And eat. A little. 
I am so self centered.  I should be shot.  Lazy cow pig bitch.  I should have started with my stepdad having a heart attack.  He is in the hospital.  He had an angioplasty.  One of his arteries were 90% blocked.  So, they fixed that and said he was lucky when he got in or it could have been fatal.  WTF am I doing so far from my family?!!  How do I deal with this? 
*sigh*  21yrs of dealing with this food issue/body dysmorphia shit and you would think I would be over it by now.....like I have said before I suck.  I am so gonna starve myself-til its all better. 

I have been so out of it lately....I think I might be depressed.  Or something.  I know what it is-I feel FAT and bloated.  My stomach is like a rubber tire.  Nasty fat fuck.
Ok, I berate myself enough in my head so putting it here does no good.
Let's see....work sucks. My boss sucks.  My family sucks.  Thats all I really need to say.  LOL
Exercise-ok
Food-not ok
Why do I even bother to update this crap?  I suck. 

I am so tired today-we had our work christmas party last night and all managers had to work it.  Except for sales.  I don't know why they are so spoiled.  So, I was here until 10:30 last night and then back at 6:15.  Plus I live 40min away.  Essentially, I have had no sleep.  Ugh.  I am leaving early today because if I don't get some exercise, I will go crazy.  I am all bloated right now and feel SICK.  Its because I overate at the party but there was so much GOOD FOOD-chicken, salads, ham, prime rib, shrimp, crablegs, seafood chowder, mashed potatoes, DESSERTS.  Just listing it made me gain five lbs. 
I am doing pretty good in my life outside of work.  Just focusing on getting ready for Christmas and have to mail everything to my family.  My boy situation is going well.  Except....a coworker that was here from NY has developed a crush on me and although he was very nice, charming, smart, good-looking, etc, all the perfect things that you would want in a boyfriend-I said NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.  LOL-I do not want to get myself into that situation again.  So, effectively, I am doing the ostrich move and avoiding him, burying my head in the sand so to speak.  WUS. 
I really think I need to vomit.  I still feel so full from last night. 

COFFEE....

I swear my thighs have grown since last week. 

So, I did really good without talking to him once all weekend. I think it is the longest I have gone without contact in years.  I stayed busy-shopping, beach, etc and it actually felt really good.  I am not gonna say I didn't think of him at all because I did but I refrained from contacting him.  Yay me!
I got two dresses and two pairs of shoes this weekend.  I have several christmas parties coming up.  Here is a pic of the one that I am wearing to parties except I got pink not brown.  I am not quite sure what is going on but I got a small and its a little too big but they were out of XS.  Is it too swimsuit-y for a xmas party?  I do live on an island....

I can't find a pic of the other dress yet but I was able to get an XS in that one.  Both dresses are tommy bahama.  I wish I looked like an XS.  I think I look like an L but I must not be or I wouldn't be buying XS.  Sigh.  I hate this body image game my brain plays.  Stupid brain. 
Ok, off to beddy-bye. 

I kept myself busy all weekend.  And kept my phone off.  I think that passed along a message without having to do it myself.  It hurts like hell but I cannot play whatever game it is that he wants.  Some messages made we want to cry-his confusion at what is going on and it made me want to scream "no, I am here" but I didn't.  I don't know how to make it without him.  BUT I will figure it out each day.
Happy Turkey Day-I will write more later

Monday-35min gym
Tuesday (so far)-35min gym
I am a little better today.  I don't know why.  Not that I should complain.  Oh who am I kidding?  I know why.  Mr East Coast and I had a bit of a blowout last week.  I told him I was giving up on him (why do I keep doing this?!) for real and that I gave up on all kinds of things with him and he asked me if what I said was a joke (UM NO) and that i know how he feels about long distance relationships (he doesn't want that).  Well, after that we pretty much didn't talk.  Or basically, I felt as if he was ignoring me and not the other way around.  SO, after killing myself over this whole thing, and some comments that I may have taken the wrong way, I typed this whole LONG ASS manifesto to him which I did not send and I was going to not talk to him at all and then he starts in on me today not me hounding him like a damn puppy.  Damn it!  I should have sucked it up and hit send.  Now its too late!!  I think I will modify it and then send but it seems stupid now.  I don't know-I just pointed out that we never talk about how we actually feel and that I felt he was upset because I did and that it wasn't fair to say he didn't want a long distance relationship when we haven't talked about other options (I would move in a minute) and it wouldn't be long distance for any extended period but that he has NEVER said let's do it.  He is supposed to be coming here sometime soon and I just don't know what to do.  Ugh.  I need to just get over him.  I need to just stop talking to him but how do you stop talking to someone you have been in love with for years and basically spent every day talking too?  He knows everything about me and I know everything about him.  I don't know what I would do without him in my life but I don't know how to just be his friend.  I can't just be his friend. 
I feel so childish over this.  I need to grow up.