I am a self-serving bitch of a woman.  I cannot believe I am moving across the planet with someone I am not in love with because he can serve a fuckin purpose.  I should tell him now.  I can't be with the man that I love though because we have had a CRAZY relationship-fight, fight, fight, fuck, fuck, fuck, hurt, hurt, hurt, love, love, love-you can mix those up in anyway and it describes us to a "T".  Ugh.  I suck.  Maybe I am just freaking out because I won't have him when I want and will have to travel 4000miles to see him.  Maybe I am freaking out because I will be so far away.  Maybe I am just plain freaking out.  I hate me.

I think I am going to run away with the man that I love versus move to Hawaii with the reliable, steady, man that I love but don't love, if that makes sense.  Ugh...I am in trouble. 

I love these fuckin pills.  Eat very little yesterday and thanks to the pills, will eat very little for today.  I can already feel them melting my fucking fat away.  These things are awesome.  90 days.  I will be about 45-50lbs lighter.  Cow.
Packing not going so well.  I have a lot to do and just have to do it but I HATE IT!.  Ugh. 
Need to plan my route across the country.  I think I am going to go south then west.  Route 66.  Fun.  Should be lots of kitschy shops and stuff.  I love that kind of thing. 
I have to finish packing up my desk.  Not much left.  Almost 4 yrs worth of shit went with me the other day. 

Going to get coffee before some asshole takes the rest. 

My pills arrived.  I just have to pick them up from the post office.  Yippee.

I had a decent weekend.  I guess.  I got a new scale-one that tells you the body fat% and total body water.  Still not sleeping well but tonight I am going to take a sleeping pill.  Tuesdays I sleep in-til 5:30ish.  Ha.  I should have taken the pill Saturday night but I didn't because I didn't get home til after 3 and I don't like to take it that late. 
I picked up smoking again.  Yep.  After 3.5months.  I don't even know why.  I went into the store the other day and bought some stuff and it came out so naturally and then I got to my car and thought-what the hell am I doing? SO, I have had some and they taste like shit so I am getting rid of the rest of the pack.  Ggrrr.  I was mad at me though. 
I did not watch the Academy Awards.  Too long for me.  I hate sitting around that long watching T.V.
Once I get my diet pills (they said it could take 14 days-thats tomorrow and they better frickin be here), I am going on a "slimming tea" to lose a few lbs quick.  That always makes you feel better about it when you lose some really fast even though its just water.  I will use Laci Le Beau-the lemon one.  I always liked that one.  Cold or Hot.  Its pretty good. 
Today is my oldest nephews bday-16yrs.  We are having dinner and a party tonight at my mom's house.
Alright, I will pretend to work now.  Happy Monday.

Getting closer and closer.  I wish I could stop eating.  I do not have to motivation to work out more than what I already do.  I gave up running because its been basically below zero for 3 months and I just do not want to be outside.  I am suffering from depression which hasn't helped either.  I am stressed beyond belief and I havent slept in months.
I now have 43.2lbs to lose to get to my goal weight.  Yep.  You read that right-43.2lbs.  So do the frickin math people, that is 151,200 cals to be burned outside of my normal intake/cals burned. 151,200.  I better get to work.  Damn it.  3.5months ago, I had 14lbs to go to get to my goal weight.  See?!!  I told you all it was bad.  I am ballooning up like no tomorrow.  I hate me.  DO you have any idea how gross this is?! I hate me!!!! 
So, my goal is burn as many cals as possible and eat as little as possible.  My BMI will be 18.  My body fat % will be less than 20% (females need more fat and I am not Shaq).  My weight will be 1XX.  I can't bring myself to say it because then you would know how huge I am. 

Good bye fatass.  Hello again, old friend. 

I am tired.  Dead tired.  I need to figure out how to get some sleep or some good sleep.  Ugh. 
Anxiously awaiting my move across the planet.  Yippee.  I need a change.  A big one. 
Still a cow.  I am mortified at myself.  Gross. 

Hope everyone's V day was fabulous.  I didn't do much.  Worked, exercise, dinner.  I went to a deli and had some Italian sausage in tomatoe sauce with green peppers.  It was good and I was glad that I got the small because I couldn't finish that and I can only imagine that a large would have been like a swimming pool. 
I am anxiously awaiting the pills I ordered from Europe.  Diethylpropion (or Tenuate).  Its an appetite suppressant that I absolutely love.  It works wonders.  I hope they get here soon.  Like soon, soon. 
32days til I move.  Across the planet.  Still have no where to live but not worried about it at the moment.  Because I will live in my car if need be. 
I am tired.  I need to get some sleep.  Soon.  The lack of sleep is really wearing on me. 
Alright, I better pretend to do something. 

OK, yes, I have gained weight.  Quite a bit.  BUT I have done this before so I have to just kick myself in my self-loathing ass.  I have been very stressed and depressed and therefore not as true to my exercise.  Plus, I quit smoking right before the holidays (bad idea), ate more than I should have, been suffering from insomnia, stuffing myself with sugar to make it through the day.  I know what I need too do.  Stop the sugar and exercise more than I have-only 40min a day.  I ordered some diet pills so yay.  Ok so go me. 
Thanks for being there guys.  I love you. 

water buffalo.  thats me.  i swear i was a water buffalo reincarnated to my current state.

gross.