My sis goes home today.  I am sad.  I am gonna miss them more than anything. 

Having a blast with sis here.  I love it!  The little man had his 1st birthday party yesterday so that was fun!  He loves the beach and is so cute in the water and sand.  Its been fun!

I am going to tell him (J) that I can't do it without a "commitment" (but not really a commitment, more of a not just go with it) from him.  I need to know what he feels.  I am not going to drive myself insane over it.  I am just going to tell him and leave it at that.  Then it is out of my hands.  Thats where I need it to be-something I just don't deal with any more.  If it works out, great.  If not, then it wasn't supposed to for a reason. 
My sis arrives today so I am happy even though I am wallowing in depression.  It is a strange mix of feelings-I feel like a crazy person.  Who am I kidding?  I am a crazy person. 
I forgot to weigh this morning so my whole day is off.  I feel like I got fatter since yesterday. 

Shoot me.  I am begging for it to be over.

Lost one more pound since yesterday.  Weight loss has definitely slowed down. Will have to try to jump start it in some way.  Maybe taking a one day break from not eating and actually eating again will help and a break from exercise.  I hate taking breaks from what I know how to do and from what I am best at-torturing myself.  Ugh. 
Sis comes tomorrow so I am super excited and I took Thurs and Fri off of work so 4 day weekend coming up-it will feel like vacation. 
Other than I suck-thats all I have today. 

So my stupid ass family drama just gets better and better everyday.  I had a txt fight with my sis Ang (Taz's mom) because she will not answer phone calls.  The fight was about the fact that I also found out that my nephew James knew that Ang had been in contact with Taz the whole time and she had told him to keep it a secret and he did.  He is living under one of my other sisters roof.  He has watched them getting ready to go on patrol, go hang flyers etc and never said a word.  I do not get that.  My sis that he is living with asked why and he said because he mom told him not to tell anyone.  She then asked why it is a secret that Taz was alive.  I told Ang in our txt fight that she is sick and has made James as sick as her.  I am very disappointed in them all.  Including Taz who never called any of us.  I really have no words for any of them.
On another note....I have had no appetite whatsoever due to this so I can say that there is a positive.  How ever sick and twisted that is but hey, any bright side is better than none.  I have lost another 2lbs.  Normally, I would be happy about this but its really not a satisfying 2lbs.  Oh well, 2lbs is 2lbs. 
And on the too many bf front....there is D that I live with, B that is in my home state and J that is on the east coast.  D is my ex-husband who I had a helluva roller coaster ride life with due to his alcoholism.  He was at times very abusive.  Some day, I may write about it but I am just not in the mood today and I really just don't feel like telling any more fuckedupness from my life.  But for some reason, those of us with "food issues" are very gluttonous-gluttons for punishment.  Why do we hate ourselves so much? *SIGH* I suppose I would be 10million dollars richer if I could answer that.  ANYWAY, D and I had a BIG blowout this weekend and I think one of us may be leaving this island soon.  And its not me.  Which is fine by me.  I really could careless either way.  Would I miss him?  Of course.  I have spent over half my life with him.  But I would miss him as a friend who knows my ups and downs (for some reason he has never caught on to my food issues either but he was with me when I literally gained 70lbs and have lost and gained and lost and gained).  B, on the other hand, I would love to see but I cannot handle him in an emotional/mental/whatever way.  I don't know when I will see him next.  Probably the next time I am in home state.  We have a great time together but do not do so well apart.  Which leads me to J.  We do great apart since that it what I have had with him for the most part anyway.  He can be so hard to read at times.  He is very typical male in that he really does not like to share his feelings but then he will do something that is so obviously SHOWING me what they are that it drives me up a wall.  I feel like I am on a rubberband at times and that he is pushing me away and pulling me back.  Saturday was his bday.  Friday night we just txt back and forth, goofing off and flirting and then he got upset over something I said (I think-I couldn't tell for sure but the whole tone of the conversation changed and then he went to bed) and then we didn't talk.  So, Saturday, I refrained from contacting him other than to send a txt wishing him a happy bday.  Then he proceeded to send me several txts (no calls) about what he was doing and how he was going golfing and I only responded with well, have a great day, you deserve it and have fun golfing (these txts were at 6am my time-noon his time).  And then I spent the day in typical girl fashion going over every message from the past two days to try to figure out what happened.  Obsess much? Yes, I do.  I might be a bit of a psycho.  So, I went about my day and thought I will just see what happens.  At 4:45pm my time, he sends me a txt (again no call....ok, two can play this txt game-I am good at it) asking me if I am out doing something, getting drinks, partying, whatever (he has a bit of a jealous streak and he knows that I attract people because I am friendly and smile a lot).  Well, I thought WTF is this...so, I finally responded like 45min later and said um no, its like 5:30, I don't normally party at that time.  And he was like, well, have fun when you do.  SO, I was like ok, so he is trying to engage me in conversation so let's see whats up.  So, I ask him how his day went, why is he txting me and not out in a bar, blah blah blah.  He tells me he is in bed already and he was thinking about me and all this stuff (I swear to god he does this shit on purpose because he KNOWS it just makes me melt plus when he talks....oh god that accent.  I am telling you-if you are not from the east, you will want to rip your clothes off just by listening to them talk but it was all over txt-he never called).  He makes a point of telling me he is alone in bed (um...I kinda figured that you would not be texting me if you had someone there).  So, I finally just give in and play with him for a while (we have great txt sex).  I don't know what to do about him.  I know, I know when we have talked about it, he thinks just go with it but I really want to know if I should get rid of the other guys and focus on him.  I just can't figure out what it is about him.  Why are we so drawn to certain people?  He broke my heart before so maybe it is that punishment thing?  I don't know.  I look at him and I say to myself, I would never in a million years ever try to hit on him in public-he is attractive but not anything that I would ever have thought that I would be attracted too.  He is kind of a jerk to people (that New England attitude) and is somewhat cocky.  He treats me very well but does not let me pull any of my obnoxious bullshit (I actually haven't figured out how any man can be with me-hehe).  But he stole my heart a long time ago and still has it.  Anyway, my point, well, I don't think I had one but I do now-I think I am going to tell him he either makes a definite yes we try or no we don't.  I don't want to be a standby gf when you have time to call me or txt me.  I might be pushing him away but I either need to know that yes, I should be working towards moving east or working on moving on with my life.  Its not like I don't have bfs to fall back on.  HA-joke.  Ah, what to do, what to do.  I bring it upon myself.  Oh well. 
SO, thats my drama from the weekend.  Oh, I bought a weight this weekend so I could lift weights while I am at home and my arms are frickin killing me.  I hope it helps.  And I am thinking of trying Alli.  Has anyone tried it and have any feedback?  Alright, happy sunday, monday, etc.

MURDEROUS RAGE!  I am going to KILL my sister (Taz's mother).  I am so hurt.  My whole family is so hurt.  I cannot believe what has happened!  OK, this is so fucked up.  Taz was gone for 6wks.  My whole family has been trying to find her-contact with the police, the NATIONAL missing and exploited children place (which is run by FBI), flyers, calling everywhere, walking streets in HORRIBLE areas, calling my sis every day to ask for any updates and its always the same-no, haven't heard from her, blah blah blah.  Come to find out from Taz that she has been in contact with her mother for several weeks.  I CANNOT WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND THIS!! How could she do this!? How could she not tell ANYONE?!  I am seriously in shock. Absolute shock.  And it gets worse....Taz asked her mom what to do and where she should go and my sis told her to figure it out and she had no where for Taz to go!  Taz was spending days at a teen drop in center for homeless kids so they can have a few hours off the streets and at night she was picking up MEN so she could be off the streets at night and my FUCKING sister was just like whatever.  My niece is 14yrs old and her mother was ok with her PIMPING herself out!!  I think my mother is going to have a heart attack.  KILL KILL KILL  I don't know what to do.  How do you do this?  How do you sleep at night when you do this to your kid?!! 
I cannot even focus.

Niece is with one of my sisters.  Her mother (one of my other sisters), does not know.  No one wants to tell her.  As harsh as that sounds, Taz had been gone for about 6 weeks with my sis doing nothing about it because drugs and alcohol are most important.  And Taz is very mistrusting.  She needs to know she can trust the rest of us and to not choose to run the streets-thats what the teen centers and centers for runaways have said, right now she wants nothing to do with her mom so don't make her.  I am so sad for all of them.  I count my lucky stars that I never was involved in that stuff.  I am so grateful that she is basically unharmed.  She said that some stuff happened to her that made her not want to stay out on the streets.  I don't think we will ever know.  I don't know if we want too. 
On a happier note, I have lost 11lbs in about 2 weeks.  I am exercising like a mad woman and watching my intake.  I am intaking little and I feel strong.  Saturday, my muscles were sore but I know that is the crap leaving my body.  I have been here before.  I am getting closer to where I want to be.  Someday. 
Work is ok.  I guess.  I wish I would win the lottery.

Boyfriend drama....its hard to keep straight when you have more than one-UGH!
So, I think we decided on Dec for him to visit but I wouldn't mind going to the East coast for a few days to get a fix of winter (ie-to remind myself why I hate snow).  He is trying to get a new job that will take him around the world so we will have to see how things are come then.  I don't know what to think.  I tried telling him that he is typical Irish Catholic from the east coast (that should give you a pretty good idea of where he is from) and that he doesn't really tell me what he thinks other than 'just go with it and see what happens'....thats great and all but how do you FEEL about me?  lol and I guess I am typical girl in that I want to hear that he is in total love with me and thinks I am the hottest thing to walk the earth and that I am cute, funny, sweet, smart, blah blah blah....lol.  Thats just not how guys in general are but I think even more so when they like him, if that makes sense.  He just laughs and says I am typical mid-western (but has no reasons for it like I do for him ).  I would love to go for next weekend-his bday and mine is not far after. 
As for the other guys-the one here-we just go through the day to day motions.  Always have.  But thats us.  He was an abusive, alcoholic.  It was a scary time (like years upon years) when we were together so I don't know why I can't give him up.  He has other girls (and tells me, sometimes I think he is trying to get a reaction from me but I told him several times that it is ok with me-he knows that I have other guys but I just don't choose to share much about it with him) so things just seem to work. 
And for the last one-he is trying to put some sort of ultimatum or something on me about seeing each other (I was just there!).  He is going crazy without me (supposedly) and needs to be with me.  LOL-I just said, you are unreal.  Oh well, what can you do?  Horrible person that I am.  LOL

OK, I had to go down a size in clothes so I guess I am losing.  Its just never fast enough or enough weight.  I will get there.  I wonder if I could find a doctor to give me liposuction.  I really do hate my thighs.  Weekend was tough foodwise with one of my sis being here-she wants to go to dinner or breakfast or whatever.  Too easy to eat and then I feel like it ruins my progress.  I can only imagine when my other sis gets here how tough it will be.  I need to order some herbs-I really think they help.  I am out of Bladderwrack and there is honestly no where on this island that sells it.  I have checked.  So, I had to replace it with cinnamon which is supposed to aid in digestion whereas bladderwrack is supposed to improve thyroid function. 
*sigh*-its always something with me. 
Well, off to get more coffee!  Happy Monday!!!

Less than 2000 cals so far for the week.  Exercising every day whether is it walking or gym.  Lost another 2lbs.  I will be really thin, dammit.  Everyone keeps telling me I am losing weight and I see the number SLOWLY creeping downward but I still don't believe it.  I am going to be seeing my "friend" from the east coast soon (in the next couple of months) and I don't want to freak him out with my size! Plus we got webcams so we can see each other and I am fairly certain that my camera adds 30lbs.  I am sorta freaking out. 
I will be 115lbs.   

Less than 2 weeks til my sis and the baby come!  Whoot whoot!  Super excited!  I will have 2 sis and 1 nephew here with me!  Yippee!

OK, so I have this long drawn out dilemna at work....maybe I have talked about it so I hope I am not typing this for no reason.  Technically, where I work, we are two entities-the resort and the timeshare sales.  I work for the resort and support all the resort users with their technical issues and the servers and telephones and timeclocks and hardware-blah blah blah-basically everything that might in some way be related to a computer.  So, that is what I get paid for.  So, here is the problem-the timeshare sales has two properties on the island and two IT guys so you would think that they would have one guy per property but oh no-they only come here twice a week.  And when they do, they don't do shit.  Assholes.  So, I support their users for the most part.  I mean, most of the stuff they use is mine that I already support anyway-my phones, my servers, my timeclocks, etc.  The only thing I don't support is their day-to-day issues.  So when one of the IT guys is here, they will ask me to do stuff for them-fuck you prick, I have my own shit to do, you do your stuff-and it will be stupid crap like getting a netowrk cable for them or something.  The VP, Director of Marketing and Marketing Coordinator for the timeshare side refuse to ask their IT for help and will only come to me.  So, after thinking about this for the past couple of weeks, I have decided that I am going to tell them that they need to pay me or I will no longer support them.  I am going to say; get rid of one of your IT guys, raise my salary by 35-40K a year and I will support you, otherwise you are on your own; I actually think I have a good shot at it because they know I know my shit and do a good job and they have been looking for a reason to get rid of one of their IT guys because he is an arrogant prick.  I just am worried about the additional STRESS.  But I think I could do it and for that money, I even think maybe gladly.  lol

So, this is what is going on.  Ugh.  I just love it (heavy dose of sarcasm).  Happy Friday!

Oh let's see....anything new today? Nope.  Same as always.  Water buffalo, elephant, cow, manatee, walrus, jelly fish, hippo...you get the picture.  And I am just fat not bloated. 
Ok, how is this for weirdness-I had a random dream with two old friends from a long time ago (they didn't know each other but in my dream they came to where ever it was I was together).  So, I went on facebook to see if I could find either of them and did find one of them and sent an email.  I was not trying to be stalkerish-I mean that is the point of facebook but it was still pretty weird.  Anyway, my old friend responded and was glad to hear from me.  It was nice to hear about their life. 
One of my girls is sick or something and needs to go to the vet tomorrow.  Ugh.  We were just there for annual checkups and everything was good.  Oh well, she just isn't being herself.  Better safe than sorry. 
I DETEST my thighs.  Ish.  I just looked at them.  They are making me want to grab a fuckin knife.  I am getting plastic surgery.  Mother fuckers.