I can't deal anymore.  My brain is fucked up.  I don't know what to do. 
Friday-35min gym
Saturday-40min walk, 40min gym
Sunday-40min walk
I will post today's tomorrow when I know if I do any more than what I have already. 

I am just so sad.

I am not going to even attempt to discuss my food since last Friday.  I am sure it is way more than I could remember.  I have lost 1lb so far this week.  Not good.  I have all my exercise since then thoug so here goes!
Friday-35min gym
Saturday-Paddleboard 2hrs
Sunday-45min walk, planks, weights
Monday-40min walk, planks, weights
Tuesday-40min gym, 40min walk, planks
Weds-35min gym, 40min walk
I am trying to keep myself busy as a bee.  Doing just so-so in the heartbreak healing dept.  Oh well. 
My grams brother died on Tuesday.  I wasn't close but he was a funny guy, his wife even more hilarious.  I am sad for them. 
I have lots to do after work-sympathy card, bday pres for nephew, cat food, cell minutes for other nephew, pedicure (if this doesn't make me happy-I don't know what will! ha).
I have been avoiding calling home to see how things are.  I can't deal with their stress.  lol
I should have two pairs of boots coming (just dress boots-I don't need winter) and my books should be here to and my new phone-if you have a Samsung Glyde-GET RID OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT.  Mine makes me suicidal.  I am getting the blackberry curve 8330.  I could have waited for the Storm but I am pretty anti-touchscreen at the moment because of the fuckin Glyde.  I hate this thing. I have never had more hatred towards anything in my life.  And its a phone.  LOL-excuse my rant. 
If you haven't picked up on it-buying things is my therapy.  I need to quit.  I have about 25,000 in debt.  I better not lose my job. 
Alright, have a great day.  I better work. 

Thursday Food-3 carrot sticks, 2 cucumber slices, 1/4 cup of potatoes, 3oz roast beef, spinach and tomato salad, 3oz roast chicken, coffee, water
Thursday Exercise-NONE! I AM A LAZY FUCKING HEFFER
Yesterday was pretty good-busy all day.  Busy is a good thing. 
Today will be more of the same.  Do this, do that, run, run, run-I am a slave for these people and I fricken hate them all.  LOL Nice attitude.  Oh well.  F em. 
Last night was better.  I got some sleep except one of my sweeties (cat) woke me up-she is my monster girl and always demands attention at the wrong time.  Oh well-what can I do? They are so frickin cute that they melt my heart and I signed up for life when I got them. 
I need to create and exercise and weight chart and get a scale that can tell me my fat%.  I know its high.  Jiggle Jiggle. 
Happy Friday

Wednesdays Food: coffee. water, mini snicker bar (damn halloween candy), 1/4lb hamburger and french fries (damn friend)
Wednesdays Exercise: 30min gym, 40min walk, 10min weights and planks
My thighs are disgusting.  ish.  I need to give up the food.  Or something.  Or take up running again because I got real thin real quick (except my thighs were never thin). 
I just don't have the emotional energy for talking about my feelings.  I can't sleep and just think about HIM all night.  This will go away....

Happy post election day-hope people are happy with how our country voted.  Whether you are an Obama supporter or not, we really need to get our country back on track.  And thats all I have to say about it. 

OK, food and exercise for Tues....
Food-4 starbursts, fried rice, orange chicken, bejing beef, egg roll (Panda Express-I only ate 1/4 of the rice and half the chicken and about 1/3 of the beef), coffee, water
Exercise-30min gym (circuit), 45min walk, planks and weights
Alright.  Not too bad.  Today I went to the bathroom and it felt like a laxative overdose.  Don't know why.  I haven't taken laxatives in months.  I know, gross. 
Going to a wedding on Sat.  That should be fun.  I hope.  I won't know anyone there but thats ok.  I forgot that I was going to wear the shoes that I am wearing to it today to break them in.  Oh well.  The dress I am wearing is cute.  I need a scarf or some bit of color with it though-its just plain black. 
My heart breaks daily over my man (or lack there of) situation.
I need to quit sabotaging myself.  Sometimes I really suck. 

I am doing pretty well today.  Considering.  I tried not talking with him at all yesterday and only IM'ed with him a little bit because he started it.  Wanted pics of me in my new dress-I sent him a pic of my feet.  He said well whatever I get to see of you works for me.  Not exactly what I was looking for in a response.  I think he just realizes I am serious and that I am finally ready to give up on us ever being an "us" and maybe he doesn't know how to react?  I mean, he hasn't said ok yes let's do this so I don't know what is going through his head, if anything.  Its killing me.  Ugh.  I lost a pound since yesterday so that makes me happy.  I need to start posting my food and exercise again so I can keep track so here goes yesterday:
Food-5 large red grapes, cheeseburger on bun, potato chips, 2 packs of halloween size skittles, coffee, water
Exercise-30min walk, 10min weights and planks. 
Not that great but good enough.  Today will be better.

Tis Monday....I haven't lost any weight in a week.  Ggggrrrr.  Oh well, its a new week.  I hate when I lose nothing though.   Hope everyone had a great halloween.  I had a pretty good day.  We got to wear our costumes to work-I was supergirl.  It was cute.  Strange sizing from the costume company that I ordered from-I ordered a small and it was too big.  I have never been an XS.  I don't think.  Not with these thighs. 
OK, this is really embarassing but fuck it.  I know everyone has their "thing" that turns them on or whatever.  One of mine is Braveheart (william wallace and not just because its mel gibson although that doesn't hurt).  I have seen that movie about 100times and some of it is so erotic to me without being overly sexual (the wedding night and following morning).  Maybe it is the love he had for her and its definitely the kilt-I just have a thing for them, weird maybe but whatever, I find a man in a kilt incredibly sexy for some reason.  I don't claim to understand my neurosis or psycosis or whatever.  I have only told this to one person (guess who-he is definitely not from where I am) and told him this years ago, in fact I had forgot that I told him this.  Guess what he wore on Halloween and sent me pictures of?!!  I almost died.  He said "thought you might like my costume this year".  Ugh!!!!  Why would he do that to me?!  I was kind of mad, I think he is doing it on purpose to torture me for my decision.  He makes it really flippin hard.  I told him I can't do this so please stop.  LOL How pathetic am I....
Wedding coming up on Saturday.  I hate going to weddings as a single gal in her almost mid-30's.  Ish. 
Well, off to work. 

So, I have let my head win.  I said enough is enough and that 'I give up' to my east coast love (J).  Completely.  I told him that I was more than willing to do or try anything to make it work but that he wasn't making any moves or communicating what he thought and that was not fair-I can't decide anything without him other than to just give up my hopes of it working.  I need to focus on what I want and if he ever decides to go full tilt then I will consider it then.  It was not easy.  I am crushed but I will survive and be stronger for it.  I know that I have a huge capacity to love someone with my full heart and now it is finding that someone (I had hoped that I had).  My only problem is that I am one of those girls that always needs a boyfriend to feel validated or something-maybe it is my low self-esteem that makes me feel less worthwhile when I do not have a man, I don't know-but I am going to try my damndest to not jump into a full scale relationship for awhile. 
I am going to take up a hobby-I am going to try learning some new things.  This will be a way to make me more interesting and to meet new people.  I need to fall in love with life. 

Sometimes I hate everything.    Its a hate everything day.  I have too much shit to do and not enough time.  It doesn't help that I am dead tired.  I am not sleeping well.  I know that is part of it but nothing I can do to get myself to sleep.  I suppose I could start taking pills.  But I really do not want to do that. 
I can't get rid of my east coast guy.  Its breaking my heart.  I told him either we try to figure out how to be together or not continue this strange dance of yes, no, maybe.  I told him I want to be friends with him but I will need some time and space before I can do that.  At first he didn't say anything and we stopped talking .  A couple of hours later he txt me and just said why?  He said when he comes here he wants to see how it is and not have it be weird because we are trying to be just friends.  *sigh* Why can't things just be easy?  I wish he would just say he wants to be with me and that I should move.  I would in a heartbeat. 
My head and my heart are fighting.  I think I am going to let my head win this one. 

Happy Monday

I ordered a bunch of clothes.  Nothing fits anymore and it looks like I am wearing rags.  So, I guess that tells me that I am losing something but quite sure what yet because I certainly don't see it.  All I see is fat fuckin thighs.  Ish. 
My and nephew made it home safe, I did laundry yesterday and cried when I was folding some of his little shorts and stuff that I am sending back to them.  *SIGH* I don't know when the next time I will see them will be. 
My older sis is getting married.  I guess I am happy for her.  She has been off drugs now for a little over a year,  its very surreal to have her off drugs and my other sis on them.  My older sis lost three kids due to her drug prob-my mom raised my oldest niece (she is 20yrs old) and my dads ex-gf adopted my youngest niece and one of my nephews because my sisters parental rights to them were terminated. 
Other than that-its back into the swing of things.  I need to order some vitamins because the vitmin shops here do not carry what I want and I swear bladderwrack is a wonder supplement.  I dropped a few lbs pretty easily using it-it regulates your thyroid. 
Daily I take-cayenne pills, cinnamon pills, vitamin b, flaxseed oil, multi-vitamin, and bladderwrack.  They just make me feel better.  I am thinking of adding CoQ10-I guess its supposed to help with cell function and weight loss. 
I am going to get rid of all the men in my life.  I just can't deal with them. 

Ugh...COFFEE NOW!