Valerie Bertinelli is my new inspriation.  She is amazing-if you haven't seen her and what she has done at 49yrs old-google it.  Thank you for sharing your journey with everyone Valerie.

So, I had decided that I was going to eat two meals a day in an effort to be healthier and maybe jump start my metabolism. At first, I put on 3lbs and I kinda freaked but thought, no, its ok.  But here it is, 3 weeks later and the 3lbs won't budge. Fuck this.  Going back to once a day. 

Everything is a mess.  That I created.  I need a break from everyone I know so I can process everything.  I am going to type so this will be long, convoluted and probably remind you of someone who has just vomited all over the place because there will be no rhyme or reason.  I am just getting it out. 
OK, I am in complete and utter love with a man who I told that I couldn't be with him.  I couldn't deal with the lack of COMMITMENT on his part to move forward or not and then I had cut off communication with him.  And then I uncut the cut, I guess and we started talking and yes, last month when I went to visit my family, I flew over to Boston to be with him.  It was the best few days of my life.  I do not ever remember smiling so much in my life.  Oh, my, word.  The way he would look at me, touch me, talk to me.  I am in over my head and drowning without him.  This past month without him has been the worst in my life and I am completely lovesick.  I am literally trying to kill myself over this my staying as busy as possible with exercise, work and OVERTHINKING every last detail of when I was there.  Work has been crazy so staying busy here has not been so hard but he wants to txt or msg and I have to focus.  Ugh.  I am hoping he doesn't break my heart and pull back which seems to be his M O when we start getting really close.  I don't think I could do it again.  I need to just move to Boston.  Not a good time though with the economy....I think I live in a fantasy land.  Gggrr.  I am like a child with all these dreams and ideas of how it would be if we could be together always.  LOL  Its silly really.  I love him though-what can I do?
Let's see...one sis, called, asked my for $270  for her storage space fee or her stuff would be auctioned.  I did it but wasn't happy.  I need to say no.  How do I do that when I have always said yes?  I thought being 3000miles away would make it easier.  It doesn't. 
Guy I live with (and hope to be moving out of soon).  Its just there.  Never should have happened but it did.  Everyone is well enough aware of what is going on and it needs to stop. 
Niece is here visiting right now so I get to smile for a bit.  My bff here is moving to Belgium in April so there goes my a big part of my support here.  Ugh....
All this stress has caused my MS to act up and I am experiencing tingling in my arms and hands.  I need to get a few good nights of sleep and decompress.  Ha, yea right. 
Ok, I think that was enough regurgitating for one day.  Maybe I will be tomorrow. 
Even I make myself sick....

I have been a slacker.  I just don't feel as if I have anything worthwhile to say lately.  Life has been one crazy mistake after another.  I suck.  Whatever.  I will be better about this.  I have a lot to get off my chest and just haven't decided the best way to go about it.  I will get there....

I had a lot of laundry from the time I was gone and the week before I left so I had to spend some time at the laundromat. Let me tell you about my horrible experience at the laundromat last night. You are gonna laugh at me.
So, at the laundromat, I had three washers going, and as I am waiting for my laundry to get done, there is a guy with a SUPER overloaded dryer, this guy takes all his clothes out of the dryer. I think nothing of it. I didn't pay attention really all that close. Well he leaves and my clothes get done so I get my stuff and put in the dryers not the one he had but close to it, like one away. After I get the dryers going I notice a pair of black lacey thong panties on the floor in front of his dryer. Thinking they are mine, I pick them up to put in my dryer. Lo, and behold, they are NOT my panties. I almost had a heart attack. I mean, by nature, because of the type of bottoms they are, they are all up in your business and I don't know whose business they were in before I picked them up! I am lucky in that I was at the laundromat so there was bleach available and I am also hoping that since they were near the dryers that they were clean but STILL!!!! How awful! Can you imagine?! Someone that you don't knows underpants, wait, not just underpants, THONG panties in your hands?!! Ish.
Top that if you can!

I am back!  Had a great trip!  Forgot how dry the air is in the upper midwest so my skin is JACKED!! I used lotion and moisturizer like every hour and still was dry as shit!  Was so happy to return to my island paradise yesterday!  Visiting fam was great but it was like a whirlwind! Go here! Stop there! Shop, shop SHOP!!!  I am completely swamped at work so I will update more later....Glad to be back though!

XOXO

Ps...still fat

I have been so lazy about updating.  I am just so unmotivated lately and I am not quite sure why.  Oh well. 
Lets see....busy at work.  Going out of town soon so I have a lot to do.  Gonna see fam.  YAY!
Really thats about it.  Still fat.

Didn't lose my 2.5lbs.  Lost 1lb.  Ggrr.  I am not happy about it but I have to focus.  No time to dwell on my crappy performance. 
Busy at work-what else is new? My job can suck ass.  
Going to visit my fam soon!  Yay!  that makes me happy but it will be COLD.  I have been ripping my closets apart to find every sweater that I can.  Let's see here today: haircut appt, eyebrow appt, pedicure (self).  And need some exercise-probably walking and then some weight training.
Ok, so me and my bf (he is my ex-h), have a very fucked up relationship.  I know this.  He knows this.  He was a very abusive alcoholic.  Somewhere along the line, it was just ok for him to throw me around and whatever.  I mean, not ok, but it wasn't out of the norm, I guess.  Well, we divorced and got back together and things had changed due to his no longer using alcohol.  Well, we move and guess what? He starts drinking again and it seems every three months he pulls some of his old tricks out of his hat.  I always threaten and never follow through but this time I am done.  Last night (and he wasn't even drunk), we went to bed and he was SNORING LOUDLY so I wake him up to take sinus pills.  Nothing, do it again, he yells at me but does nothing, finally an hour or so later I said fuck it and got up to leave.  He then wakes up just fuckin pissed.  Screaming and yelling and then storms out of the bedroom as I am getting my things to go to work and comes back and grabs me and shakes me and slams me down on the air mattress on the floor (I sleep in regular bed, he sleeps on air mattress), then goes to smoke.  I get up continue getting my things and go into the bathroom to get my toothbrush and he comes in and starts dragging me out of the bathroom by my hair so I scratched him (I know, typical chic) by diging my nails in as HARD as I could and this didn't get him to stop so I punched him in the face.  Then he "woke" up and tried to blame it all on me.  And telling me I lost it and blah blah blah.  I said you are fucking sick. SICK.  He is a foot taller and about 80-85lbs heavier than me.  What other choice do I have?  Well, today I have had it.  I can not live this way.  It is too stressful. 
I just don't know what to do. 

Hugs

Need to lose 2.5lb by Sunday.  Tomorrow I am going to exercise like a fuckin horse.  It will be gone.
I have had an unbelievably long week.  Just drained for some reason.  Can't get enough sleep-if I go to bed early, I wake up early so it does no good.  Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I have gotten a headache from not eating.  It sucked ass.  Smoking cigs made it worse.  Love it.
I feel like I am sweating alot too which is something odd.  Hhmm. Fuckin cow. 

Alright, have a great weekend. 

Just randomness...

Ugh...supposed to be going to dinner with VP tonight. He is here for one day.  Great.  I think I will drink my dinner.

I am so cold.  Sounds stupid when its 70+ degrees and sunny but I am.  My hands and feet are like ice. 

Want to do my nails but will have to wait.  Gggrr. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Yahoo