So help me Jesus-I will be 115lbs. Thats all I have today.
***UPDATE*** Niece was found today. She is in some sort of transitional home for teens. She actually called her principal from the school she was in for the past few years and he called my mother because he knows some of the situation with my niece's mother. I am so happy and relieved right now. Guess we will see what happens.
Still no word on niece....apparently, she logged into her myspace a few days ago and some of her friends have said that they have seen her. I guess I should be happy that she is alive. But its just hard to think that there are any positives in this situation. *Sigh*
Today is the man I live withs bday. I suppose I should get him a present on my way home. I am not getting dinner though. He is on his own for that.
My sis got here Friday so we spent all weekend hanging out and it was so nice to be with someone who is so like me but yet so different. I had a really good time.
Bf #3 (or the one that I want, I should say) might be getting a new job that will take him around the world. I am excited for him but at the same time I don't want anything that will remove him from me any more than he already is. I mean, he is like 6000miles away as it is. If he gets this job, there is no chance in hell he would be moving anywhere closer. LOL Not that he would in the first place but whatever.
Work is busy today. I better get back to it. Ugh
I did lose the additional 3lbs I was looking for. I am going to starve until I am where I am happiest.
22 days since anyone has heard from my niece. My mom has asked my sister to report her to the national missing and exploited children database. Its scary shit. We all know what they do with young girls (who look a lot older than they are)-some creep takes them and turns them into prostitutes. Not a pretty thought. All I can hope for is that she is alive and that she makes it back to us. I am beside myself with worry.
OK, I am going to talk about some stuff that makes me a horrible person but whatever. I moved here to Hawaii with a boyfriend that i am not in love with. It is more of an arrangement between the two of us. Yes, I have sex with him occasionally but it is not for anything in return-everything I want, I get for myself. Sure, he helped me to get here-I couldn't have done it on my own but at no point have I ever expressed that I am in love with him or that I will be in love with him. A man that I do love is back in my home state. But I love him maybe more for the physical part of love more than for his brain or anything else. He is an asshole to other people, hates most people, has no work ethic, pays what he has to in order to get by, and pretty much offers no stability whatsoever. But I love him. And then...yes, it gets worse, there is one more that offers the best of both worlds. The only problem is that he is on the East Coast. LOL, told you this was terrible. This man, pretty much turns in inside out and upside down. He is everything these two could offer and more. I have known him for 6+yrs, throughout everything we have always had a connection, we have spent a total of 4days together in this time and it was some time after that that he decided he did not want to do the long distance thing-we both moved on to other relationships but we talk every day still (he is my best friend) and over the last month have gotten 'closer' again. I told him I was having a hard time with this because the last time, when I was only 1000miles away vs the 5000miles I am now, it didn't work because he didn't want to do the long distance thing (I was so willing to move at that point-all he had to do was say the word) and his response is just go with the flow and see what happens. Ugh. Shoot me. I am head over heels for him (and have been for years) but I don't want to get hurt-it broke my heart the last time when he didn't want to do the long distance thing. I am an insufferable bitch. I have never been good at decisions. Can you tell what my sign is? LOL
On another note-I lost 3lbs since Thursday. I would like to lose another 3-5lbs by Sunday. I have given up food for coffee and cigs-someone at work actually noticed and said I never eat and why is that? I just said well, you never see me but I do. I don't need these people to know how f'ed up I am just yet.....
I sent my sis a text message that said the following :I don't know whats going on with you nor do I pretend too, I just worry that you and the kids are safe. I know where james is but what about taz? Is she safe?
I got no response. I didn't think I would. She is on a lot of drugs, it was coke but I think its meth now (cheaper) but I don't know (nor do I pretend too-hehe). Taz left because she has been trying to get love and attention from my sis who just doesn't have time for it. I just don't get the whole throwing away your kids for that stuff. I guess I am lucky that I am addicted to cigs and nothing else-people don't normally kill over cigs do they? Or give up their family for them? Or lose everything they have over them? Oh, yea, I started smoking again. I was off the cigs for 6 months and then back on them now. Ugh. Someday.
Beach, beach, beach. I need to go to the beach....I am tired of work.
One of my sis comes in a week for 6 weeks and another comes in a month for 2 weeks! I am super pumped!!!!
Ok, so 14yr old niece is still gone. it drives me crazy. I don't know what to do. There is nothing really that I can do. Except worry. ugh. It sucks to be so far sometimes and then other times its great that I am so far.
So, I promised pics and I will just post a couple:
I just thought the colors in the this pic were pretty
This one is of a Monk Seal
And this last one....I don't normally post me but i wanted everyone to see my chunkiness so that maybe I would be shamed into doing something about it. See the fucking disgusting stretch marks from when I was FAT?! Take a look at those thighs?!! COW!!!!! Ish. 
Now that I have made you all lose your lunch or whatever...let's move on.
Hope all is well. Obviously, my fat ass is doing ok and I have enough to eat. More than enough. I need to start spending my money on better shit like shoes or something. Ugh. I gross me out.
Have a great day...
I went and visited home for the week. My niece was gone the whole time. SIGH Its an ongoing saga with those people. It breaks my heart.
But now I am back and I love it here more than anything. It was good to come back to my new home. I missed it more than anything.
I ate like a horse all week when I was gone but miraculously did not gain anything. Strange.
So here is the story of the last few months-please excuse how terribly long this may get or convoluted or whatever....
Driving to Cali to ship my car was an adventure! It was amazing-we truly are blessed to live in such a beautiful country. It was stressful, yes, but I loved it and wouldn't change it for the world. Cali was great! Went to San Diego zoo, Napa valley, an A's game, a Warriors game, hung at the beach, it was a ton of fun! Finally got to HI and went to move into my apartment and it was DISGUSTINGLY dirty. It was awful! I looked at the property manager and was very upset but at that point what can I do? I have two fricken cats, where am I going to go? So, I stayed and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and more cleaning. I had to buy everything when I got here so WalMart stock must have gone up that month! I spent 6 weeks hanging out and laying on the beach and basically being a bum but I figure it was well deserved! I worked some with my uncle (as that was part of the point of me moving here) but I wasn't going to get enough hours/money/etc so I went out and found a "real" job which I absolutely love! It is a beautiful resort and the people are great (for the most part). They are a little funny sometimes about things but I figure oh well, I can deal with it. All I do when someone is totally irritating me is go out by the beach and watch the ocean. The ocean is amazing with its power and raw beauty. As for my fatass...here it is: I don't usually admit this but I figure I better hold myself accountable. I am 5'3 and weigh 150lbs. I had put on 40lbs from November to April. So, I have lost 10 of it this month but now am stuck at having to lose 40 additional lbs to be where I want vs being almost there. Ugh. I can feel that i am getting back on track-but I seriously ate out for the last 8months and when you do that-you have no clue what you are eating! But I am exercising alot (back to what I was) and eating a little (back to what I was). Things will go normal. I will get back down to where I want to be. It shouldn't take too long. Yea right! Moo Cow! LOL
Daily I am taking: Vitamin B complex, Flax Seed Oil, Bladderwrack, Cayenne and a multi-vitamin. I think it is all helping.
Ok, now for my fam....my 32yr old sis has gone completely mad with drugs. She has basically left her children (16 and 14) to fend for themselves. The 14yr old (niece) is going to get hurt-she is now picking up strangers and getting high with them...what happens when they want her to pay for something and she has no money? or if one of them is a child pimp or whatever? I am sick with worry. The 16 yr old (nephew) is moving in with one of my other sisters but they can't keep track of where the girl is so she is out running the streets. They are trying to get her into a girls home or something. I am so sad for them. And scared.
My 37yr old sister has gotten off the drugs (about 25yrs too late) but had already lost three children. My Dad's ex gf adopted two of them and the other one is 20yrs old. The two that were adopted have been sneaking around to hang out with my sister because she takes them places and buys them stuff and whatever. I told my fam that I was no ok with it because they were adopted and their new mother does not know about this. I said its great that she would like to develope a relationship but I think she needs to follow the proper channels and ask for permission and set up visitations not sneak around. Well, they got busted and my Dad's ex gf is obviously very hurt and upset.
My brother has purchased a home, I am very happy for him and his gf.
My youngest sister has drama drama drama with her son's father. He is trying to get custody and whatnot and he has no fuckin clue. So that is a big ol' mess.
There is more drama but I think this is enough for now-its very overwhelming to even talk to my family!
I am going to bring my camera and upload some pics soon! I promise!!
I love you all to death and help keep me on the losing track!!!!
Muah!!!
I am a complete loser. LOL I totally fell off the planet for awhile. But here I am, back with more to write about than there is time for. *Sigh*, I just needed a life break. And doing it during the move and settling in was as good a time as any.
So, here I am, in Hawaii. Things did not work as planned for working with my uncle (not enough hours or money) so I got a job doing what I do best-computer and network support. Not the most exciting but I am in a beautiful place.
I blew up like a puffer fish but that started before I left home. I have work to do. It is coming off but very SLOWLY. Damn it.
The girls are adjusted to Hawaii. They love the little geckos that get in the house! They are pretty sure that I bring them in just for them!
People in Hawaii are lovely. They embrace anything and everything. They are a little slow to fully accept you as someone who will stick around (alot of people move here and then leave after a few months) but they still accept you.
Ah...so much to write, where to start. I am going to have to type in a word doc and paste it over here so I don't lose anything!
Miss you all more than you could imagine!
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