March 18, 2009
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Everything is a mess. That I created. I need a break from everyone I know so I can process everything. I am going to type so this will be long, convoluted and probably remind you of someone who has just vomited all over the place because there will be no rhyme or reason. I am just getting it out.
OK, I am in complete and utter love with a man who I told that I couldn't be with him. I couldn't deal with the lack of COMMITMENT on his part to move forward or not and then I had cut off communication with him. And then I uncut the cut, I guess and we started talking and yes, last month when I went to visit my family, I flew over to Boston to be with him. It was the best few days of my life. I do not ever remember smiling so much in my life. Oh, my, word. The way he would look at me, touch me, talk to me. I am in over my head and drowning without him. This past month without him has been the worst in my life and I am completely lovesick. I am literally trying to kill myself over this my staying as busy as possible with exercise, work and OVERTHINKING every last detail of when I was there. Work has been crazy so staying busy here has not been so hard but he wants to txt or msg and I have to focus. Ugh. I am hoping he doesn't break my heart and pull back which seems to be his M O when we start getting really close. I don't think I could do it again. I need to just move to Boston. Not a good time though with the economy....I think I live in a fantasy land. Gggrr. I am like a child with all these dreams and ideas of how it would be if we could be together always. LOL Its silly really. I love him though-what can I do?
Let's see...one sis, called, asked my for $270 for her storage space fee or her stuff would be auctioned. I did it but wasn't happy. I need to say no. How do I do that when I have always said yes? I thought being 3000miles away would make it easier. It doesn't.
Guy I live with (and hope to be moving out of soon). Its just there. Never should have happened but it did. Everyone is well enough aware of what is going on and it needs to stop.
Niece is here visiting right now so I get to smile for a bit. My bff here is moving to Belgium in April so there goes my a big part of my support here. Ugh....
All this stress has caused my MS to act up and I am experiencing tingling in my arms and hands. I need to get a few good nights of sleep and decompress. Ha, yea right.
Ok, I think that was enough regurgitating for one day. Maybe I will be tomorrow.
Even I make myself sick....
Comments (3)
Wow! You have a lot going on. Sounds like you need to focus on yourself and just follow your heart. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. . . but I believe we create our own destiny. And only we can make ourselves happy.
Hang in there! Sending lots of love your way. . .
Hey hun, the guy is not good for you. Relationships in which one partner invests a lot more than the other only work in movies. Trust me, I have been there. I know exactely how you are feeling, but there is really no way out other than going into a real relationship (and yes, then he does have to commit) or end it for good. The fact that you are willing to move to Boston for him...I don't know. Does he know that you are considering this? Would he be there for you if you moved? As you said, it will likely be rough in the current environment and you really need him to welcome you with open arms otherwise you will be left with a broken heart. Can he move to your place and find a job where you live?
I used to be in a situation like you and the rollercoaster ride lastet for years. One minute I was extatic to be with the guy, the other I was full of depression because he wasn't in it as much as I was. He held on to our thing when I made the cut. He loved me, but his emotions weren't as strong as mine and so he was ok with living in the perhaps / maybe mode while it made me worse and worse. Your story sounds similar although I don't know the details. I think deep down in your heart you know what is best for YOU not for the relationship with the guy. Do what makes you feel best in the long term not over the course of the next couple of months. Maybe that does mean moving closer to the guy and giving it one final chance, maybe it means ending it now and forever but inbetweens will -from my experience- not work. Love, Sophie
I cant really give any advice here.... I'm in a whirlwind of confusion myself! But I DO know that where you are right now isnt good for you. I want you to be happy and safe!
HUGS!!
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