December 22, 2008
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I am excited for Christmas even though I am not with my family. I miss them terribly but such is life. I sent them a big box of stuff to split up between them. I hope they like it.
I am on a no sugar kick. Or I was. Until I had a damn candy cane. Fuck me. I need to stop this sugar thing before it gets worse. I have definitely gotten fatter. A lot. I mean, all the clothes I bought still fit but my eyes don't deceive me (ha....hello body dysmorphia). I can see it. I need to stop eating until Christmas day. I will eat that day and then stop again until NYE maybe. Depending on if I am going to have alcohol or not. I better play it safe and have some food that day but on the other hand-if I don't eat for a week and then eat that will fuck with my stomach. Fuck it. I don't care. I need to lose a few lbs because I feel gross. I was eating once a day but that is not working so well so I will go to none for a bit because that always seems to work. Fuckin fatass cow. Ish.
Let's see....I plan on going to MN for a few days in Jan so I want to lose 10lbs at least by then. Ugh....I have to work out. A lot. And eat. A little.
I am so self centered. I should be shot. Lazy cow pig bitch. I should have started with my stepdad having a heart attack. He is in the hospital. He had an angioplasty. One of his arteries were 90% blocked. So, they fixed that and said he was lucky when he got in or it could have been fatal. WTF am I doing so far from my family?!! How do I deal with this?
*sigh* 21yrs of dealing with this food issue/body dysmorphia shit and you would think I would be over it by now.....like I have said before I suck. I am so gonna starve myself-til its all better.
Comments (8)
You don't suck.
You are not self- centered. You're just dealing with things that aren't as easy to switch off as you'd like.
It takes time to change years of bad habits, negative thinking and bad patterns.
You have to want to change and you have to take it one day at time.
It is possible though. We know this.
Just try not to look to far ahead or behind. Focus on NOW.
much love,
Karma
hi! it's been a while. hope all else is going well. hey...at least you still have clothes that fit. mine don't. and i refuse to buy any bigger.
Hey! How are you going? It's been awhile since I've been here on xanga and I'm just catching up on everything, especially to say a big Merry Xmas
XOX
Rikki
You must be reading my mind, because I say the same shit to myself everyday.
however...I can say with definite certainty that you do not suck. 21 years? yeah, ok...but newsflash dear, ya dont just get over it. you know that. why beat yourself up like that?
I luvs ya, Merry Christmas, and huuuuge hugs!!!
you are not self centered angel... you are struggling with an eating disorder...it is not easy you know? I am so glad you keep writing i was worried after you last post you felt as though there was no point. love you and merry christmas angel xxx
sorry..no kitty pics yet!!! got a new dig camera from hubby though!! once I learn how to actually use it I can post pics! woohoo. I hate complicated technology..especailly for a perfectionist.bc when there are too may options, things to do to make the picture right..I overthink..or get confused with all the buttons and display stuff.. so...me too!!!! feel the same way lately about my body..I see it!! I ate sugar and shit at work too..I need to starve too! let me know how your straving is going?? LOL..Only here can we say such things. I luv it.. I have to the in law thang today..I don't feel like talking or partaking in social things..plus I fee really bored there too...I'll try to make the best of it..and be all sweet and stuff. Ya know.. I usually just feel invisible though or unimportant.. I want to focus on becoming 110 lbs instead.. and want to talk about how to NOT eat instead.. haha..
LUV & HUGS
Noel
Yeah I hate being all rushed. I did get most of today to myself. I was not at ALL constructive. I pretty much sat on the couch all day haha.
One more christmas to go and then its over for another year yaaayyY!
Thank you for talking to me the other day when I really needed to talk. That means so much to me,
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
HUGS!!!
I am getting better with the camera..this weekend or by Friday I hope to post kitty pics..I love my 2 little girls..tho they keep me from sleeping at night.
SO..I am ready to starve!! are you?
Hapy New Year sweetheart!
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