October 6, 2008

• So my stupid ass family drama just gets better and better everyday.  I had a txt fight with my sis Ang (Taz's mom) because she will not answer phone calls.  The fight was about the fact that I also found out that my nephew James knew that Ang had been in contact with Taz the whole time and she had told him to keep it a secret and he did.  He is living under one of my other sisters roof.  He has watched them getting ready to go on patrol, go hang flyers etc and never said a word.  I do not get that.  My sis that he is living with asked why and he said because he mom told him not to tell anyone.  She then asked why it is a secret that Taz was alive.  I told Ang in our txt fight that she is sick and has made James as sick as her.  I am very disappointed in them all.  Including Taz who never called any of us.  I really have no words for any of them.
  On another note....I have had no appetite whatsoever due to this so I can say that there is a positive.  How ever sick and twisted that is but hey, any bright side is better than none.  I have lost another 2lbs.  Normally, I would be happy about this but its really not a satisfying 2lbs.  Oh well, 2lbs is 2lbs. 
  And on the too many bf front....there is D that I live with, B that is in my home state and J that is on the east coast.  D is my ex-husband who I had a helluva roller coaster ride life with due to his alcoholism.  He was at times very abusive.  Some day, I may write about it but I am just not in the mood today and I really just don't feel like telling any more fuckedupness from my life.  But for some reason, those of us with "food issues" are very gluttonous-gluttons for punishment.  Why do we hate ourselves so much? *SIGH* I suppose I would be 10million dollars richer if I could answer that.  ANYWAY, D and I had a BIG blowout this weekend and I think one of us may be leaving this island soon.  And its not me.  Which is fine by me.  I really could careless either way.  Would I miss him?  Of course.  I have spent over half my life with him.  But I would miss him as a friend who knows my ups and downs (for some reason he has never caught on to my food issues either but he was with me when I literally gained 70lbs and have lost and gained and lost and gained).  B, on the other hand, I would love to see but I cannot handle him in an emotional/mental/whatever way.  I don't know when I will see him next.  Probably the next time I am in home state.  We have a great time together but do not do so well apart.  Which leads me to J.  We do great apart since that it what I have had with him for the most part anyway.  He can be so hard to read at times.  He is very typical male in that he really does not like to share his feelings but then he will do something that is so obviously SHOWING me what they are that it drives me up a wall.  I feel like I am on a rubberband at times and that he is pushing me away and pulling me back.  Saturday was his bday.  Friday night we just txt back and forth, goofing off and flirting and then he got upset over something I said (I think-I couldn't tell for sure but the whole tone of the conversation changed and then he went to bed) and then we didn't talk.  So, Saturday, I refrained from contacting him other than to send a txt wishing him a happy bday.  Then he proceeded to send me several txts (no calls) about what he was doing and how he was going golfing and I only responded with well, have a great day, you deserve it and have fun golfing (these txts were at 6am my time-noon his time).  And then I spent the day in typical girl fashion going over every message from the past two days to try to figure out what happened.  Obsess much? Yes, I do.  I might be a bit of a psycho.  So, I went about my day and thought I will just see what happens.  At 4:45pm my time, he sends me a txt (again no call....ok, two can play this txt game-I am good at it) asking me if I am out doing something, getting drinks, partying, whatever (he has a bit of a jealous streak and he knows that I attract people because I am friendly and smile a lot).  Well, I thought WTF is this...so, I finally responded like 45min later and said um no, its like 5:30, I don't normally party at that time.  And he was like, well, have fun when you do.  SO, I was like ok, so he is trying to engage me in conversation so let's see whats up.  So, I ask him how his day went, why is he txting me and not out in a bar, blah blah blah.  He tells me he is in bed already and he was thinking about me and all this stuff (I swear to god he does this shit on purpose because he KNOWS it just makes me melt plus when he talks....oh god that accent.  I am telling you-if you are not from the east, you will want to rip your clothes off just by listening to them talk but it was all over txt-he never called).  He makes a point of telling me he is alone in bed (um...I kinda figured that you would not be texting me if you had someone there).  So, I finally just give in and play with him for a while (we have great txt sex).  I don't know what to do about him.  I know, I know when we have talked about it, he thinks just go with it but I really want to know if I should get rid of the other guys and focus on him.  I just can't figure out what it is about him.  Why are we so drawn to certain people?  He broke my heart before so maybe it is that punishment thing?  I don't know.  I look at him and I say to myself, I would never in a million years ever try to hit on him in public-he is attractive but not anything that I would ever have thought that I would be attracted too.  He is kind of a jerk to people (that New England attitude) and is somewhat cocky.  He treats me very well but does not let me pull any of my obnoxious bullshit (I actually haven't figured out how any man can be with me-hehe).  But he stole my heart a long time ago and still has it.  Anyway, my point, well, I don't think I had one but I do now-I think I am going to tell him he either makes a definite yes we try or no we don't.  I don't want to be a standby gf when you have time to call me or txt me.  I might be pushing him away but I either need to know that yes, I should be working towards moving east or working on moving on with my life.  Its not like I don't have bfs to fall back on.  HA-joke.  Ah, what to do, what to do.  I bring it upon myself.  Oh well. 
  SO, thats my drama from the weekend.  Oh, I bought a weight this weekend so I could lift weights while I am at home and my arms are frickin killing me.  I hope it helps.  And I am thinking of trying Alli.  Has anyone tried it and have any feedback?  Alright, happy sunday, monday, etc.

  • 3:22 am
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