September 16, 2008

• 22 days since anyone has heard from my niece.  My mom has asked my sister to report her to the national missing and exploited children database.  Its scary shit.  We all know what they do with young girls (who look a lot older than they are)-some creep takes them and turns them into prostitutes.  Not a pretty thought.  All I can hope for is that she is alive and that she makes it back to us.  I am beside myself with worry. 
  OK, I am going to talk about some stuff that makes me a horrible person but whatever.  I moved here to Hawaii with a boyfriend that i am not in love with.  It is more of an arrangement between the two of us.  Yes, I have sex with him occasionally but it is not for anything in return-everything I want, I get for myself.  Sure, he helped me to get here-I couldn't have done it on my own but at no point have I ever expressed that I am in love with him or that I will be in love with him.  A man that I do love is back in my home state.  But I love him maybe more for the physical part of love more than for his brain or anything else.  He is an asshole to other people, hates most people, has no work ethic, pays what he has to in order to get by, and pretty much offers no stability whatsoever.  But I love him.  And then...yes, it gets worse, there is one more that offers the best of both worlds.  The only problem is that he is on the East Coast.  LOL, told you this was terrible.  This man, pretty much turns in inside out and upside down.  He is everything these two could offer and more.  I have known him for 6+yrs, throughout everything we have always had a connection, we have spent a total of 4days together in this time and it was some time after that that he decided he did not want to do the long distance thing-we both moved on to other relationships but we talk every day still (he is my best friend) and over the last month have gotten 'closer' again.  I told him I was having a hard time with this because the last time, when I was only 1000miles away vs the 5000miles I am now, it didn't work because he didn't want to do the long distance thing (I was so willing to move at that point-all he had to do was say the word) and his response is just go with the flow and see what happens.  Ugh.  Shoot me.  I am head over heels for him (and have been for years) but I don't want to get hurt-it broke my heart the last time when he didn't want to do the long distance thing.  I am an insufferable bitch.  I have never been good at decisions.  Can you tell what my sign is?  LOL
  On another note-I lost 3lbs since Thursday.  I would like to lose another 3-5lbs by Sunday.  I have given up food for coffee and cigs-someone at work actually noticed and said I never eat and why is that?  I just said well, you never see me but I do.  I don't need these people to know how f'ed up I am just yet.....

  • 12:43 pm
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